I didn’t pray for a baby.
A few months after Jason died, I stopped praying for things to happen. For life to go a certain way. Part of it was a little bit of lost hope. Most of it was a sense of surrender to the larger idea that my life is not mine to control. It’s mine to care for, and enjoy, and puzzle through. But my plans and God’s plans may be different.
Around that time I started praying that line, in The Lord’s Prayer, Thy Will Be Done. That’s what became my constant prayer.
I’ll be honest and admit that sometimes I came from a unique angle with this prayer. I remember sitting on an airplane about 6 weeks after Jason’s death, praying that if it was God’s will for the plane to crash and for me to go to heaven that He would let that happen. I can’t explain what that felt like, but it wasn’t hopelessness that drove that prayer, it was that sense of complete surrender. Do what you will, Lord, it’s not my life, it’s yours.
He did His will that day, and the plane didn’t crash. Instead, He placed in my path relationships that helped me rebuild and refocus my life. He continuously opened doors over the next few months to remind me- Amy, you are alive for a reason. Your heart is still beating so go out and be a blessing to others.
About a year later I decided I was ready to see what the dating world might hold in store for me. I prayed again, Lord, Thy will be done. If You have someone out there who would make the right partner for me, who I can bless with my love and will be a blessing to me, I am open and ready for what you have in store. If not, and I am meant to be Amy on her own for many more years, I will live that life to the fullest, too. Thy will be done.
And then I met Jeff.
We fell in love. We built a life together. We got married and promised to love each other forever. We decided to see if a family might be in our future. And that’s when I realized, I wasn’t praying for a baby. Again, I was praying for His plan, whatever it might be.
Now I find myself praying that same prayer for my son. I pray that he will be driven by God’s will for his life. That he will have a relationship with the Lord so he can be open to where he might be led.
It’s hard to explain, but I feel good when I pray Thy Will Be Done. I feel comforted, reminded that I am held close by a great and loving God even in my most hopeless moments.
And now, when I am living so completely filled with hope and happiness, I just thank God for where His will has led me. I am so glad I chose to surrender my life to His will during the darkest time of my life. And I will continue to pray, Thy Will Be Done.